What your socks say about you

24/06/2019
Lily Konteh

Lily is here to read you for your sock choices. No sock is safe from her slightly strange hatred for what is maybe the least controversial item of clothing.

I have a confession. I have a personal vendetta against socks. My feet wish to be free; I want to feel the earth underneath my toes (or at least get some air circulating underneath them as I make an ungodly amount of noise in my flip-flops.) I also have a lot of feelings about the choices some people make about their choice of sock. Here are my opinions of what your choice of socks really mean about you. Don’t take it personally (but I will take all complaints via carrier pigeon or telegram.)

Bed socks: The only things I can assume about a bed sock wearer are: you are too cheap to put the heating on in your house, you are wearing a pair of shoes that are too big for you, or you’re sick and in bed. Bed socks is a deceiving name for these fluffy beauties, for nobody sensible should wear socks to bed. Your feets will surely overheats.

Knee socks (Ones that end just below the knee, not the sexy over-the-knee ones): Okay, so you’re a child from the 1950s. Your mummy is probably wiping her hands on her apron this very minute as she calls you in from running around in a field. You’re also probably going to get polio and your knee-high socks will look beautiful underneath your leg braces (please god, vaccinate your children.)

Odd socks: You’re a deviant. You’re a bloody deviant, people like you. Parading around your flagrant disregard for the rules. Some of us can’t wear odd socks for the crushing anxiety it would bring to our days. I fear people like you. You’re too powerful.

Inside out socks: You should be locked up.

Black socks: You’re a sensible person, aren’t you? Lovely sensible person with a lovely sensible job. Lovely sensible chicken kievs for dinner and you probably love a sensible bit of Coldplay while you cry yourself to sleep.

Black socks with a patterned sole/heel: You live in a house that is FULL of sensible people, and your ‘zany’ patterned sole is the only thing that will tell your socks apart from the mass of single, black socks that exists in your staid household.

White socks: White socks can mean one of two things; You love Jesus or you love tennis. Maybe both? Praise the lord and scream at the umpire.

White socks with a large frill around the ankle: Ah. You’re a Welsh baby. Bore da babyn!

Patterned socks: There are 3 categories of patterned socks.

1. I am here for a rude sock, but if you wear socks with the days of the week printed on them? Bless. Does your mum still buy your clothes for you? Do you want a plate of potato smileys and a Nesquik milkshake? (What am I talking about? That sounds amazing.)

2. Cartoon food/animals? These are really the only acceptable patterned socks. Fried eggs, pizza, avocados, dinosaurs, tigers, lions, dogs, ice creams… sloths… chickens? And other things that fit under the category of food/animals (and sometimes both!)
You think you’re cool, with your ‘quirky’ socks and your ‘quirky’ fringe. Is it still ‘quirky’ if all your friends wear brightly coloured socks? (They go great with your Lucy and Yak dungarees and your penchant for oat milk, btw.)

3. Cartoon characters (eg, The Simpsons, Family Guy, Rick and Morty.) Your neckbeard impresses no one. Upvotes on Reddit are not the same as having real friends

Silk socks: You’re going to have to start selling your stocks on Wall Street because your cocaine habit has taken over your life. Blame it on your parents or stress, but we all know it’s because you’re wearing silk socks, you rich pervert.

Fishnet socks: Those fishnet socks look amazing with your Blue Banana fingerless gloves and choker. Your parents are only marginally disappointed in you, but it’s okay. In your later years you’ll have very painful ankles because of all the times you rolled yours in your flatform trainers.

Toe socks: You’re the sort of person who enjoys going to the dentist. You think that the Big Bang Theory is actually funny. You unironically love Yakult.

Do you, like Lily, have strong opinions about socks? Or maybe she didn’t mention the socks you’re wearing. Tweet the Rife page for a personalised sock meaning.

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