Seven fashion staples for the modern Satanist

20/08/2019
Lily Konteh

Hail Satan? is coming to Watershed and Lily wants to make sure that you’re properly equipped to enjoy the documentary by kitting you out in a suitable Satanist uniform

Hail Satan? is a documentary by Penny Lane that reveals the rise of one of American’s most controversial religious movements: The Satanic Temple. As the story of its emergence unfolds, you’re introduced to a cast of devil-worshippers, all with suitably Satanic names. There’s Lucien Greaves, Jex Blackmore, Chalic Blythe, Detryck Von Doom and more… want a Satanic name for yourself? Here’s a fun game to help you find one!

While I was watching the documentary, I found myself falling in love with the fashions the Satanists were wearing. From a wide variety of capes to the ultimate red lip, they truly were spooky icons. Here is a handy guide of how you can grab Satanic style by the horns, from your t-shirt to your heels.

A kick-ass leather jacket

A leather jacket tells the world that ‘you don’t care, man’, despite the fact that they are most commonly associated with Danny from Grease and that one kid at school who thought he was cool because he smoked rollies. If, like the people in Hail Satan?, you are campaigning in Florida, make sure you’re wearing plenty of Lynx Africa (the most cursed of the deodorants) to combat the sweat from wearing LEATHER in FLORIDA.

A fancy-as-all-hell corset (preferably ill-fitting)

If you want a garment that screams “I own a pair of handcuffs, have read plenty of Twilight fanfiction and will need help doing everything because I Can’t Bend Down,” then get yourself on Amazon and buy a corset. Just make sure it’s ill-fitting, poorly constructed and that all the plastic bones will bend after just one wear. For bonus fashion points, combine your bad corset with a pair of plastic vampire teeth for ultimate 2009 realness.

Impractically tight jeans

Nothing says that you hail Satan more than wearing jeans that cling to your legs as tightly as a scared monkey clings to its mother. The whole world will know your dark leanings, not only because they can see almost all of your genitals, but because nobody could possibly kneel to pray to God in those spray-on jeans. Combine with checkered Vans for a classic early 2000s pop-punk band look.

Leather doggie collar

Are you desirous to swear your allegiance to Beelzebub while maintaining a high level of style? Get yourself a studded collar! Nothing finishes off a Satanic ensemble like it. Head down to Pets at Home, shove Rex out of the way and grab one of their finest. Do not, however, get one designed to repel fleas, as you’ll only come out in a rash.

Big, stomping platform boots

We all know that there is nothing more frightening than somebody who could at any time take an over-enthusiastic step and break an ankle. That’s exactly the sort of impression you could give if you got yourself a pair of platform boots. Plenty of metal accoutrements and laces mean you can’t go anywhere in a hurry because they take two hours to put on.

An ‘ironic’ t-shirt

If you want everyone to know that while you do in fact believe in the seven tenants of Satanism, but also have a cracking sense of humour, may I recommend an ironic t-shirt? Tell the world you don’t care what they think by wearing a shirt splashed with a catchy slogan, perhaps ‘Hail Santa,’ a pentagram made out of cats, or maybe this oddly specific one I found that proudly states, ‘Satan is my sugar daddy.’ I mean, sure?

Artisanal leather horns from Etsy

Dressing as your idols is nothing new – I mean, have you ever heard of cosplay? Now you can even cosplay as the dark lord by buying some horns from Etsy. Never mind how uncomfortable they look, or how you’re going to spend all morning positioning your hair around them, only for a misplaced breeze to spoil all your hard work – your horns are going to look SO hot (but try not to get hooked onto low-hanging washing lines or barbed wire and make sure a ram in heat doesn’t find you.)

Hail Satan? opens on the 23rd of August at Watershed. Grab a ticket here. Tickets for under 24s are just five quid.

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