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Four Reasons Not To Sleep With A Virgin
Credit: Adibah Iqbal
When Adibah read an article called ‘five reasons not to sleep with a virgin’, she couldn’t believe it. After all, it’s not every day you come across a lads mag telling men NOT to have sex with a virgin (in this case female).
I’ve seen plenty of things in the media that glorify sleeping with a virgin as though it’s a competition between men, such as Cruel Intentions and 10 Things I Hate About You; both have male characters whose central aim is to take a girl’s virginity. So reading the title of this article was a breath of fresh air, I was ready to have my stereotypes about lads’ mags smashed! Then I read the article and oh…my…GOD, it was repulsive. I wasn’t annoyed, I was freaking shocked. The language and attitudes in that article are concerning, and quite frankly super-creepy!
Below are the four reasons given by the author for not sleeping with a virgin, and my responses to why this author is pretty much promoting rape culture.
Reason number 1 – Extra prep work
The preparation work required for taking a girl’s virginity is just not worth the time and effort because ‘it may take some considerable convincing on your part to get her into bed’.
Hmmm, lack of consent much? I’m really starting to question if this guy is actually being serious… and is it just me or is the author starting to sound weirdly familiar?
The worrying word here is CONVINCE. People, if you find yourself trying hard to convince a virgin to have sex, you need to be asking yourself – is this rape? Hint: yes, yes it really is. Pressurising someone and taking away their choice and right to say ‘no’, is not ‘extra prep work’.
What about the feelings and thoughts of the virgin? Why does she need convincing? Sorry for taking up all your time, mr poor man who has had to convince people to sleep with him.
But hold on, it gets worse…
Reason 2- there’s freak-out potential
‘She may decide at the last minute that she doesn’t want to go through with it, which means that you might have to deal with panic, sadness and guilt. It could result in tears and tantrums.’
Hooray! The author considers the thoughts and feelings of the virgin! Let’s not get too carried away. It’s still only about the impact this has on the mans experience. The author is basically saying that losing your virginity may evoke feelings of sadness, panicking and guilt. Instead of sympathising, the author views this as an obstacle. The humanity of the virgin is totally ignored, her feelings are negatively referred to as ‘tears and tantrums.’
The use of the terms ‘tears and tantrums’ also reinforces the idea of the ‘hysterical women’ who cry, nags and is far too emotional. Is it just me, or are you also really tired of this stereotype?
Reason 3 – she’ll likely get attached and Reason 4 – she lacks skills
‘It is fairly likely that a recently devirginised girl will expect to have a lasting relationship with the guy that bedded her…’
Seriously, ‘devirginised’ and ‘bedded’ her…? What time are we living in: the 17th Century? A term like ‘taking’ someone’s virginity creates the idea of the ownership a man has over a woman’s body. So what does this mean about the idea of sex and relationships then? Why should the language around virginity be about conquest and not about intimacy?
‘If all you want is the power trip that comes from taking her virginity, then you’re golden, but if you want a mutually satisfying sexual experience, you should look for someone who has had time to develop some sexual skills.’
For anyone who believes that sleeping with a virgin is a way of getting a ‘power trip’ over a women should seriously reconsider their beliefs. And although it might sound strange, men also have emotions, yes they really do! They may actually want to feel attached or want a relationship. They may even have respect for the girl they chose to have sex with.
So there you have it: four reasons not to have sex with a virgin, according to some lads mag. Not the most well-researched article I have read. Articles like this send out dangerous ideas about virginity and sex. Why I hear you ask?
Well… I think we can all agree that are school sex education isn’t that best, and so articles like this is one of the ways boys AND men learn about women and sex. This article sends out a clear message that girls and women are there for men’s pleasures and if they are at all uncertain if they want to be ‘bedded’ by you, there are ways of convincing them.
Losing your virginity can be a big deal, it can be nerve racking, exciting and you can find yourself being pretty embarrassed at times. But don’t worry about it, as long as you’re having a good time and feel comfortable, then that’s what’s important.
To find out more about consent and virginity, check out 4YP’s website
If you would like to read the full article, click here
Tell me what you think. If you’re about to lose your virginity, thinking about it or have done, does any of this ring true with you? Let me know: @rifemag
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About the author
Adibah Iqbal
Adibah Iqbal is a young filmmaker, using media and the arts to highlight topical issues affecting her community. She is currently working on a play that discusses motherhood in the Asian community and is soon to start directing a film on feminism and young women. She is actively involved in the Bristol voluntary sector, working with Salaam Shalom Youth Council, Watershed and Icon Films. She believes that minority voices are not always represented fairly in mainstream media and that the best way to tackle this is to create your own media. She was part of the Creative Talent Lab in Bristol in February 2014 and a founding Young Journalist for Rife magazine.
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