The Best Fake-Deep Celebrity Quotes

18/03/2016
Antonia Odunlami

You know when celebrities are feeling themselves a little too much and just spitballing and they can say anything because they’re famous? Antonia’s here to call out some of her favourite examples of fake-deep celebs.

Here is a round up of some people that should be applauded for their commitment to phrasing complex thoughts and delivering them as though they’ve never been said or thought before.

DJ Khaled

This video is provided by YouTube who set their own cookies. To display it you need to accept their cookies.

Accept cookies from YouTube More about cookies

Say what you want about him but DeeeeJaaaay Khaaaaled has a solid twenty million fans viewing his Snapchat stories. The entrepreneurial element of hip-hop has driven some ? players in the game (Diddy, Jay-Z, Rick Rubin, 50-Cent, Sylvia Robinson) to diversify and build their brand as a separate entity to the music. Khaled has managed to essentially become the face of Snapchat, with motivational rants that have me switching between laughing-with and laughing-at him. He invites his fans to “walk with me on the path to success” giving us tips on how to win at life, live and direct from his shower, pedicure appointments and gym sessions. The best thing I’ve ever saw was his jet ski fail that had him lost at sea in the dark and he was Snapchatting fans every glide of the way. I can’t tell if he truly believes in the trash he talks but it’s entertaining as hell.

Keep up with the action for yourself on Snapchat by adding him (DJ Khaled305) and listen to his best Snapchat quotes here

Drake

Over the years, Aubrey Drake Graham has been given a lot of stick for being too emotional, too sensitive and generally too into his feelings. I don’t think it’s fair to penalise the guy for getting things off his chest. Each to their own, init. But I want to go through some of the less impressive lyrics that he delivers on his tracks like they are gospel. Here are some of his most fake-deep lyrics:

‘Doing is one thing/ Doing it right is a whole different story’ – ‘Preach’ ft. PartyNextDoor

‘You know it’s real when you are who you think you are.’ – ‘Pound Cake’ ft. Jay-Z

‘Women need attention, therefore, women will complain. – ‘The Calm’

He’s gone on a journey, that’s for sure. Starting out as a gassed 20-year-old, releasing his own mixtapes back in 2006 from his humble beginnings in Canada, having to establish his own identity as a black biracial Jew in hip-hop alongside the Young Money crew. He’s now living the life and exhibiting the image of an equally gassed roadman from south London, repping his current label (BBK) so hard, that he got it tatted so we know it’s real.

Russell Brand

Source: Peace News Now/ Youtube

I’m certain that I wasn’t the only person who was confused when Russell Brand took it upon himself to become publicly outspoken on British politics. Perhaps we were all a bit to quick to write him off as a legitimate narrator of politics because of his past fame in stand-up comedy and his roles in films like ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’ and ‘Get Him To The Greek’. However, when his strong feelings about revolution were making airtime on Newsnight and his web series, ‘The Trews’ (which ended last year) was launched, several heads rolled.

There’s no denying he’s good at talking about his strong views. He is highly critical of the democratic system we have in this country, which led to his decision to not vote and advocate for a revolution, but he offers no legitimate alternative. He’s super excitable and doesn’t come up for air during his rants. Does he just spout out tenuous facts at 160mph, with some fancy words thrown in between for the sake of attracting attention?

Jaden And Willow

Son and daughter of Will and Jada, aged 17 and 15 respectively, these two have an incredible sense-of-self, despite how difficult it may be for us to grasp what said self actually is.

Jaden last year compared himself to Gallileo in an interview with GQ, ‘I feel like it’s an honour, actually, for people to think I’m crazy. Because they thought Galileo was crazy, too, you know what I’m saying? I don’t think I’m as revolutionary as Galileo, but I don’t think I’m NOT as revolutionary as Galileo’.

Younger sister, Willow, started out age ten making her own music with ‘Whip My Hair’ and now she writes lyrics way beyond her years. Or so it seems. In an interview with the New York Times’ T Magazine she talks about the concept of breathing. ‘Breathing is meditation; life is a meditation. You have to breathe in order to live, so breathing is how you get in touch with the sacred space of your heart.’

They both talk a fair amount of strangeness and seem to fancy themselves as philosophers of their time. But when you’re saying things like: ‘When you’re thinking about something happy, you’re thinking about something sad. When you think about an apple, you also think about the opposite of an apple’ – it’s time to stop.

Kanye West

If you had asked me ten years ago, Kanye wouldn’t be on this list but he’s so lost in the sauce I don’t even know if he knows what he’s talking about anymore. Here are some of my favourite Kanye quotes.

‘My greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.’

‘My music isn’t just music — it’s medicine.’

‘Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed. I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph. I am a proud non-reader of books.’

‘I feel like I’m too busy writing history to read it.’

‘I don’t even listen to rap. My apartment is too nice to listen to rap in.’

‘You should only believe about 90 percent of what I say. As a matter of fact, don’t even believe anything that I’m saying at all. I could be completely messing with you, and the world, the entire time.”‘

And that’s why I take anything that comes out of his mouth with a jug of salt. Don’t let him get into his zone. No really – click here to play the game to keep him out of his zone.

Word of advice – if you want to come across as “deep” and wish to avoid fails such as these, at least grab a quote from Plato, or Nietzsche or one of those guys. It doesn’t have to be yours to be deep. The people that got a mention in this article were probably trying too hard to be original, they got lost on their way.

Who are your favourite fake-deep celebs? Let us know on Twitter @Rifemag

Get in contact with Temple Records via Rife Guide if you fancy writing some deep lyrics of your own.